Saturday, 5 September 2015

Towards: Realisation, Assimilation, Internalization

And then she clarified her:

"Do You know, do you realise, why, why you fell for all those throughout; who never loved you back?
Why they left you? Why you went to them for the security who didn't even think you were worthy of their love?
She knew. It all. But she had to hear from someone she trusted, to instill, to internalize, to assimilate, to get conditioned forever.
" Because Your Father disowned you at your very birth. Put that into your brain and understand."

Quiet, she was. She knew it all. She did. Love : was her most explored dosage of poison, of self destruction, her elaborate method of self harm.
But, this time, this did make a difference. She started internalizing, repeated to herself day and night. She must not be oblivious of the truth. Day and night, hour by hour, minute by minute, it echoed. It was allover-etched, sculpted, nailed and tattooed. Waters that she poured to cleanse her memory, smoke that she breathed for life, hand printed notes she had accumulated for  internal tests, diaries that she wrote, nightmares which she envisioned every night, winds those reluctantly passed by her throughout the shabby day, grey kohl that she applied in her intense eyes.. All over. Everywhere. All the time.

She  finally Internalized. 

No comments: